Performed by adam sandler and rob schneider
[sound of crickets. guy walks across grass]
Joe: hey pal! how ya doin?
M2: Im so wasted, man.
Joe: yeah, you are, oh ho ho!
M2: thanks man.
Joe: its good party, huh?
M2: oh, its great man.
Joe: hey thats some good acid, huh?
M2: oh, killer man.
Joe: hey, my pleasure.
M2: Ive never been higher.
Joe: oh ho, you must be freaking out.
M2: acids great man.
Joe: its the best.
M2: everytime I do acid man, Im so high.
Joe: yeah, oh, you must be flipping out right now.
M2: this is the best acid, man.
Joe: what are you seein, man?
M2: oh, i, that cloud up there, man.
Joe: whoa
M2: its got a vein in it.
Joe: oh-holy cow! really!?
M2: and its bleeding on me, man.
Joe: its bleeding on ya? well watch out!
M2: look at my hand, man.
Joe: yeah?
M2: it-its moving, but its not moving.
Joe: its not?
M2: its still there, but it looks like its moving.
Joe: hey, yeah to you it is.
M2: Im so high.
Joe: yeah, you must be flipping out.
M2: Im flipping out off it.
Joe: hallucinations, man.
M2: acid..right.
Joe: hey, I got some news fer ya.
M2: Im seeing stuff, man.
Joe: yeah, yer seeing stuff.
M2: right.
Joe: well, thats what happens when you take acid, but you know what?
M2: what man?
Joe: uhhh, that really wasnt acid. that was just a little piece of paper I ripped off of my notebook.
[silence]
M2: wha? its probly this weed Im smokin, man.
Joe: oh, that weed.
M2: that thai bud, man.
Joe: whoa.
M2: [laughing] everythings hilarious.
Joe: [laughing] thats funny man. look at that guy.
M2: [laughing] thats funny man.
Joe: [laughing] look at that guys hat man.
M2: [laughing] everythings funny to me, man.
Joe: right. hey, how man bones didya smoke? a few joints, man?
M2: I had about four.
Joe: whoa, thats a lot of bones to be smokin, man.
M2: the whole things man.
Joe: yeah, you sucked em down yerself.
M2: aint that hilarious!?
Joe: you didnt wanna share, didja?
M2: it was great stuff, man.
Joe: aww, yeah, hey I got some news on that stuff too.
M2: hey what man?
Joe: thats the stuff I sold you, right?
M2: yeah, right.
Joe: yeah
M2: its funny, man.
Joe: well, well, uh..
M2: Im wasted off it, man.
Joe: yeah, well thats good. you smoked it, right?
M2: right.
Joe: well that really wanst weed.
[pause]
Joe: no it wasnt, it was pencil shavings in a bag.
[silence]
Joe: yeah.
M2: well, its probably this beer. this beer Im drinking, man. I must be drunk off it or something. ya know, I had about eighteen of them, man.
Joe: whoa, oh really!?
M2: Im just..wasted off em.
Joe: thats a lot of beer for a man to drink.
M2: man, I gotta pea pretty soon, man.
Joe: you didnt dump em out in the woods, didja?
M2: no..no..no.. I drank all of them.
Joe: right, yeah. I saw you..thats good. hey didja eat today?
M2: no, Im on an empty stomach.
Joe: whoa, you must be ..yea.. extra buzz for you.
M2: ..and thats why Im so wasted off it man, its like Im seeing things, man.
Joe: yeah, you can hardly stand, man.
M2: you should take my car keys, cuz I cant drive, man.
Joe: right, right.
M2: I can barely walk.
Joe: hey man, you better open those eyes up, theyre half shut.
M2: theres two of you, man. I cant see anymore, man, Im blind!
Joe: right.. I got the beers, huh? Im the man, right?
M2: yeah, you are the man.
Joe: say it. say Im the man.
M2: yer da man!!
Joe: okay, well that beer..
M2: yeah?
Joe: there was no alcohol in that beer.
[pause]
Joe: that was non-alcoholic. so..uhh..again, Im gonna have to bust you on this one. youre lying.
[silence]
M2: [mumbling] Ill be right back.
Joe: ok, buddy, you go sober up.
[walking different directions, gun goes off]
Joe: oh my god! he killed himself! he killed himself!
[runs over]
Joe: oh my god! you killed yerself, buddy.
M2: yeah, Im dead, man.
Joe: oh my, oh yer dead.
M2: yeah, Im dead, man.
Joe: that is awefull.
M2: theres a big white light and everything, man.
Joe: yeah! well you showed us all, man.
M2: oh man, Im so peaceful here man.
Joe: yeah, you see anything weird, or..
M2: my relatives, man, a big white light, and my grandfathers there and..
Joe: ooooh, I remember him, hes a good guy.
M2: hes still wearing the same clothes, and..
Joe: hey, say hello fer me, huh?
M2: hey man, joe says hi, man.
Joe: [chuckling] right.
M2: its yeah..my uncles here and...
Joe: right..right.. hey I got some news for ya. this is so funny.
M2: yeah? what, man?
Joe: yeah, yeah, before you go, up to heaven. the gun, you killed yerself with, thats the one I sold you, right?
M2: yeah.
Joe: yeah, well that was a cap gun. so, theres no way you could have killed yourself.
[pause]
Joe: yeah, thats right, ok.. Im going back to the party. ok, take care.
[walks back]
M2: [whimpering and crying] Im moving to a different town man.
- four weeks later.
[pouring drink]
M2: oh this beer is great, man. this tequila is really strong, man. its got a worm, and everything in it, man.
Buffoon: fuckin shit!
M2: all being in the sun, youre even more wasted. fuckin shit is right, man! I am totally wasted now, man. I should maybe get an umbrella or something and go in the shade.
Buffoon: I know a guy who can suck his own dick.
M2: yeah, I know a guy who can do that too. hes the drummer from molly hatchet and one night we had two cases of southern comfort, man. we were so wasted off it. Im serious man.
