Jack is just an average teenage boy Whose father always told him, as he'd smack poor Jack to scold him That a body is a tool, and not a toy "Never touch yourself down here, no matter what you do!" Said Father, grabbing Jack, and almost shaking him in two But late one night when all of the house was quiet Jack got awful curious as to what made Dad so furious And decided he would go ahead and try it
Every night behind the bathroom door Squatting on his haunches, he lunges forth and launches A thick genetic mess upon the floor
Once again, the liquid legions fly A quivering cascade condemned to die And they wilt for a while on the porcelain tile Dead and drying as they're trying, in a wet white pile of foam To be home again, back in the sac, as they curdle and crack All because of a jerk called Jack
Floating in the Xs and the Ys Spasm after spasm of perfect protoplasm As half a future genius slowly dies
Once again, the liquid legions fly A quivering cascade condemned to die And they wilt for a while on the porcelain tile Dead and drying as they're trying, in a wet white pile of foam To be home again, back in the sac, as they curdle and crack All because of a jerk called Jack
Breaking down the doors with flailing fists The Eagle Forum has landed, and jack is caught red-handed By a midnight mob of Catholic activists "You've spilled the seed of God!" the leader whines And she incites the night's stampeeding Till our boy lies bruised and bleeding While they gird his groin with planks and protest signs
Then as quickly as they'd come, the gang was gone No more jacking Jack upon the john
Boston lyrics